Below are the 14 most recent journal entries.
I was disgraced to find that some people aren't updating their diaries.... but then again neither have I.
So why is there nothing to talk about? I think around this whole revision /slash/ exam time people turn into wee hermits and recluses. Not just physically, but mentally. I mean the harder you work your brain the less your brain can give at any other time such as socialising. Many peeps are practically being grounded to their houses and being locked in their rooms and forced to revise. Guess what they have to look forward toin the summer? Parents forcing them to get a job! So its obviously worth it, staring at a book until your eyes blur and staying like that for about an hour. Maybe go to the kitchen, eat some crap and get back to the serious revising you just priced yourself away from. Parents have their kids with tutors, revision night classes, every revision book and past paper money can buy, and for what? Sometimes if your kid is going to fail maths just let them fail it. And if you don't work you kinda have this feeling that you should, so if you do try enjoying yourself you are constantly feeling guilty and tryed to justify this break. "Oh come on, Ive revised for 30 minutes, now I can watch Trisha, Ophera and Dr Phil for lets say 5 hours? Its just no fun, exams suck the fun out of everything.
You went outta sight, you got lost into the city, got lost into the night.
How badly do I want to help you. It's war with you and your family. It's home in your car. It's friends who can offer you a bed for a few nights, and company to drown your sorrows with the dim light of the bar. It's a pile of shirts that need cleaned, or the newspaper you use as a tray. It's a tentaive knock and wait at the door for it to be answered, at the house that used to be your home. You no longer have a key to our home, you no longer have access to our lives. You get snippets, slideshows, snapshots, summaries, and generalised comments.
Vulnerability creeps in when you sleep, I see it on your face. I hear it on your raspy breathing. I see it in your hunched and folded body trying to keep the heat in.
I want to help you fulfill your dreams of underfloor heating designs and TV cards. I want you to have all that you deserve.
Just a thought, Only a thought
The world is nearly unrecognisable now compared with when you were here. So much as changed. Your mother has died, your father has remarried, your daughter has grown, (she's on Grade 3 on the clarinet now, I remember how you pushed her to keep practicing), your sister has grown with her too, your ex-husband and his wife have had a new baby. Your job has been long replaced, and every colleague that worked with you when you were here, has gone.
I never thought the day would come that I had to explain who you were to members who I thought were not very new. Seriously Id like to take a head count of those in the office, on a regular day, who knew you. Id say not very many. And the ones that did are old now and ready to fly the nest, soon there will be little there to crystalise your memory...
Other than I few badly taken photographs, with you looking bashful, cramped in a glass cupboard where the sliding door doesn't open because its been stuffed with phone book directorys and regular office title tackle, sitting on a chipped and battered book shelf, that you probably painted. But of course very few remember that it was you who varnished the stools they sit on, you who painted the wall they white tack their first story up to. And you who made it possible for them to write any story at all.
I still wish somehow it didn't happen, that somehow your just lost out there and will come back, but you won't.
I haven't been back to your grave since.
I can only be completely foolish to think that well that I can repress these feelings. I dont wanna think about them though it scares me. Its so much nicer to forget.
I can only be completely foolish to think that my dreams will come true, because they won't.
I can only be completely foolish to think that I can be perfect. That somehow being perfect will make things work out, that he'll love me, that she'll love me, that they'll love me and that I'll love myself. That I can succeed in everything. That I can look nice all the time, be a housey thing, an acedemic, witty, and toned. No...
I can only be completely foolish... and maybe a little niave too. Eejet.
I think I saw this on a film or something last night, or the night before or maybe it was during the day time... life's so confusing.
Well basically it was this one line, "Life is self development."
I liked it. I don't think I like it so much now, there was more and I forgot it and I don't think even that bit is right. Oh well.
I swear to god, families are the most fucked up thing on this planet. Not G.Bushio, not even nuclear war... it's families that are the most royally fucked up. And I know it's not just my family that's strange, and it ain't even that strange... but I know there are far far more fucked up ones out there, I've visited those homes.
Ah thats boring me now, Im gonna talk about something else now...
well oh yeah I feel like mentioning another one of Laurens infamous words of wisdom and thought blahs, so here it is. It may be a little complex for your brain but we will see.
Do you know the way in the english language when talking about a persons possession we say Johns bike, Sarahs hairbrush, in french you would say l'object de quelq'un, the object of someone... now consider the word, Mr. Mr French lets call him. OK now what do we call Mr Frenchs wife, well we call her Mrs French. Note the s on the end of Mr makes Mrs. So Mrs belongs to Mr. It's all part of the fascist regime and whatnot. But we will not submit like St Paul advices us so, "Wives must submit to their husbands" but don't worry although he beats you, bosses you, and you are his slave, he still loves you, because it also says, "Husbands must love their wives." So when you are on the brink of death because he beat you until that point, don't cry and worry because he loves you and his punches are a symbol of his love.
Ok so maybe that may be a little extremist feminine anti-bible bullshit, but it's all a matter of opinion isn't it.
OK, so I tryed to do it twice but it came up the same thing twice so ....I think it must be true!
And plus if someone gets to shag me even half those amount of times, then they should be thanking their lucky stars, I say.
We are living in a totalitarian state, the ruler is assuption.
Ok so this is the number one rule;
Never ever assume anything! Even if its something you didn't even realise you were assuming, just don't there are so many secrets and things that you just couldn't predict out there, that you can't afford to be dosile.
The number two rule is;
How much is that dream house in the future? The one with the waggly tail
I have been thinking about interior design, I would love to do up a house. I could do up my room, but I just have a weird thing about hording stuff I think... but in a way rightly so, because a lot of things that I've thrown out I've regretting throwing out because maybe 3 years later I think of a perfect use for them. Omg I sound totally like my dad... oh dear.
Can you imagine having a whole house to yourself? Like it's under your control, doesn't have to be big but still you could choose what toilet seat you want, every picture on the wall would be your choice, omg I'm in heaven... I want my own house! But like then there the problems of bills etc, but we will just ignore them for the time being.
I thought of a really cool idea of a feature on the wall, a light box with an Xray picture over the top of it, Id like that...
You all probably think that sucks, but it's just the easiest thing in my head to explain right now.
I haven't really factored in living with anyone else yet in this future dream home, their taste might fuck it up... hmm only one solution, be a bitch or a reclusive hermit... hmm which to choose, or live with someone who doesn't have a creative atom in their body and is totally passive to bonkers design ideas... hmm I have a few people in mind already... he he
Return of The Lost One
And suddenly it all rushed back.
Everything that had been so certain, that then was suddenly so uncertain, was certain again.
I was going to France, I was going to Methody, I was going to Uni. I had my identity back, everything that was me, was me again. I felt like I was back.
Back where I started, but yet at the same time not at all in the same place.
oN one hand... but On the other hand...
certain events can happen so quickly yet change everything forever in such a big way.
deaths happen so quickly and unexpectedly sometimes yet change lives until the same fate is met by others.
everyone says Im gonna do this and gonna do that, but truely you can only plan so far ahead, so many things could happen between now and tomorrow which could change the face of the universe forever, let alone your little life. Or nothing significant could happen between now and tomorrow and life would roll on as normal. It's just something you don't have any control over. Some people might find that sense of lack of control, irritation. scary. daunting. but without it how boring would life be... soooo boring. and besides we have never had any control over our lives really in the grand scale, so why now do you think you have lost something you never truely had. kids and babies don't have any control over their lives, but they don't freak at the thought they are powerless, they get off on the fact they have no power hence no responsibility.
When someone tells me a story were they got so embarassed or something mad happened, I always say, well at least its a good story, even though it may be traumatising.
Lauren told me something interesting today, well actally 2 things...
1) Why does a banana not have juice, like all the other fruits?
2) When you try and look at the air, not an object, just the air, why does your eyes go cross eyed and out of focus. Maybe there is something there that is being hidden from us, a secret that if you try and look, you just can't. Most people would probably find this stupid, but I like that idea.
I mean youve heard of all other worlds like, teenage mutant hero turtles in the sewers, or platform 9 and 3/4 to get to Hogwarts, but youve never heard of something that is all around us, so close and yet so far.
Mix Max Mash Moo (Mmmm....)
Fatty is not really a nice feeling to feel.
I need to change my diet, to something more constructive. (Don't be destructive, be constructive!)
I can't wait for the future sometimes, but of course you have to get to the future by continuing with the present.
I'm so glad there's signs of spring time and consquentially summer, it makes you feel so much happier to look out to bright blue skies and birds chirping and yellow light, rather than a blanket of cloud and rain and wind and cold and misery.
Oh my god, I can't wait till the summer!!! Dozy days of reading books in parks, lying, relaxing... jee I can almost feel the heat with the gentle warm breeze fanning at my bear feet.... mmmm...
How's this world gonna go? Well probably before I know it...
Juxiposition baby! xXx
ok so that last entry was bull
ok so that last entry was bull
but I'm allowed to feel freaky
such a peculiar valentines day
all kind of happened in a flash
and now Im just sitting here like "huh?"
that always seems to happen to me...
strawberries were nice but...mmm and da 'intense' magnum mmhaa
jesus I didn't realise there was so many more moods to choose from, didn't realise that the bar could go down the way, duh!
a typical sunday
feel like Im gonna throw up
brother still in bed
while I am on the ground scrubbing the floor
mother in a daze, then complains about not being appriciated
fuck you and your appriciation
ask brother to put bowl in the sink
kitten throws litter all over the floor
kitten 2 sits in front of me screaming
sound of washing up liquid bottle sounds like an old man wheezing
as I squeeze the last few drops out
i am only 16
why do I have to clean everything
be so good, so polite
why doesnt some adults take the burden off my shoulders
I didnt ask for this shit
why are they forcing me to be 30 before I even sit my gcses